You know the sayings…
”Age is just a number”, and “It is when we transition that we are most completely alive”.
Yeah, whatever.
I feel it.
Yep… I feel the pressure – the pressure to be on top of my game all the goddamn time.
It’s hard as hell, cuz I’m changing.
My body is changing, my energy is different and my attitude has evolved.
Ack! I’ll just cut to the crap – getting older sucks!
There, I said it.
And you know what sucks even more? Not feeling allowed to admit it because I work in dance and fitness, and I’m a mentor.
But I should be grateful, right? Grateful for what I can still do and being able to continue to do what I love.
But the truth is… I’m changing, and it’s hitting me hard!
Ugh! I used to pull off those jaw-dropping triple turns effortlessly, but now they’ve turned into disappointing doubles, because dizziness comes with age. And don’t get me started on those backbends where my head nearly touched the floor – now they feel like some awkward, pseudo knee bend, because stiffness comes with age.
Argh, it’s frustrating as hell!
Oh and to top it all off, people have told me that I’m like… famous. Hilarious, I know right? It’s so funny cuz I had manifested being famous back when I was younger, but now that others believe it, it just doesn’t feel as great as I thought it would. Huh, go figure.
I mean, I always felt the pressure, don’t get me wrong, but now that I’m older, that pressure has doubled. So when I hear…” Oreet, it’s so nice to meet you in the flesh, you’re like famous”, instead of basking in the glory, I feel the pressure weighing me down. What if I don’t live up to their expectations?
Could I be doing this to myself? I don’t know. But when there are two voices at war – one telling you to dance and feel like you used to, and the other telling you to embrace it and accept that you have more meat on your bones and that it’s time to slow down – it’s exhausting!
But truth talk… Some days I do actually feel like a badass, but even badasses have moments of self-doubt and suckiness. So, can’t I just be in the suck for a moment and have it be ok?
Pretty much, there is a new version of me, and I’m struggling to love it. I sure am trying my damnedest not to let it seep into my performances though. But you know what? It sometimes does. And this version will continue having moments of joy as well as sorrow, and it’s alright.
So if you’re hurting too, say it out loud: “It sucks!” No sugarcoating, no false optimism. Just be in the suck for a moment, cuz it’s okay! Now that I think of it, there’s a strength in holding pain, and being honest about it.
You know, I’ve been called a strong dancer all my life. And today I want to get in touch with a different type of strength.
The strength of Honesty….
Thanks for reading and letting me share my suck,